As I make it through my final days at Stoughton High School, I can’t help but be consumed by the knowledge that, in a few short weeks, nothing will ever be the same again. Soon, my entire life will be different. This feeling follows me into each class, clings to me as I laugh with friends for what may be the last time, and is ever present during each goodbye, making each one more bittersweet than the last.

However, this feeling is nothing new to me, not at all. Every day, it would follow me to elementary school, a quiet hum amongst the ruckus of my childhood. It accompanied me through the dreaded years of middle school. It made its way through the crowded hallways beside me on my first day here. Now, it will follow me as I walk across the stage at graduation, leaving SHS for the last time.

I think this feeling is a mixture of nostalgia and relief. Leaving Stoughton is something I’m both tremendously excited and anxious about at the same time. Although SHS has not always been my favorite place in the world, it is the place I’ve spent the past several years of my life, so I feel it deserves a proper goodbye.

I never quite say full goodbyes. I never have total closure, but, in a way, I think that’s good. After all, I’ve learned a lesson from all the endings of chapters in my life. Endings aren’t meant to be clean breaks; they’re messy, overflowing, intertwined with one another. They aren’t strictly black and white; there’s a unique ambiguity to them. How can I be so excited and terrified to leave all at once?

Most of the time when I was in high school, I was too stuck in my own head to enjoy where I was. Not that high school is, by any means, known for its enjoyment amongst its population. However, when I look back at my time in high school, every decision I regret has the same underlying factor: I did it because I wanted others to like me; I wanted to fit in. 

I changed my hair, I changed my clothes. I changed my disposition and the way I spoke. I changed the kind of music I pretended to like and what books I read, all so I could be perceived the way I thought other people wanted me to be. I was so afraid of standing out or acting different that I forgot who I was.

Sometimes, I still fall back into this dangerous ideology. However, I remind myself that, in the end, it is you who has to live with your choices someday, not those you are trying to impress. If you must change who you fundamentally are to meet someone’s standards, then it’s not worth it. Listen to unpopular music, say the wrong thing, laugh a little too loudly, and speak what’s on your mind. You are not defined by what others do to you or by how they treat you. You are not defined by how others want you to act or be. You are defined by your actions and your choices, not the ones of others.

Although there are many things I am glad will not be a part of my life anymore, there are plenty more things I know I will miss. I will miss daily commutes with my mom. I will miss late-night gossip sessions with my sister. I will miss thrifting with friends after school. I will miss all of the amazing people in my life now who have inspired and encouraged me to be where I am and the person I am today. Although it’s hard to leave all of this behind, I know there are plenty of new things ahead of me that I will grow to cherish, all waiting for me.

Roses:

• Iced Coffee
• AP Gov
• Harry, Lady, and Captain <3
• All my teachers, past and present

Thorns:

• The high school parking lot
• Math